You're My Wife Now!
by lori-la-strange
Summary: Bizarre leaugue of gentlemen crossover though you don't need to have watched it- I swear! Vince and Howard's romance is on the rocks when a creepy visitor shows up...
1. Chapter 1

**Finally! **

It's Vince and Howard's anniversary but a peculiar customer enters the Nabootique intent on making Vince his bride...

OK, you have been warned...it's gonna be a weird 'un! League of Gentlemen crossover (sort of!)..."Hello Dave!"

I thought I'd make Howard and Vince a couple because then it won't be like my usual get-together-in-the-end thing and well, because it's cute (duh)!

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Disclaimer: Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt own the Boosh, and LOG belongs to Jeremy Dyson, Mark Gatiss, Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith.

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"OK now...don't you dare go laughing now!"

"I wont, I promise."

"Vince..." Warned Howard "I swear, if I hear one giggly peep out of you, I'll come at ya like a Northern bullet - thick and fast!"

"Ooh is that a promise?!" Teased Vince.

"Vince!" Howard blushed trying to sound annoyed, but he failed to hide the delight in his voice.

"OK, OK! I swear I won't laugh! Just come out from behind there you!"

After a couple of low grumbles, the stocky Jazz poet stepped out from behind the clothes screen in the Nabootique, only to be greeted by Vince's shocked gasp!

"VINCE! You promised!"

"What?! I'm not laughing!" And for just once, the cute electro boy was actually telling the truth. He had in fact exhaled in admiration.

"Well look at you!" He sighed, "Howard, you look really hot!"

"Really?" Hissed Howard delightedly before frowning hastily "I think I look a like a butler! With emphasis on the butt, these trousers are too tight!"

"No! They're perfect" Breathed Vince, taking in the full suited sexiness of his boyfriend.

Howard pranced around, trying to check out his reflection.

"You think so?"

"I know so!"

Howard's heart did an excited little lurch at the passion in Vince's voice.

It had been six months since they'd first declared their feelings for one another - taking that terrifying yet so natural leap from friends to lovers - and neither could have been any happier.

Howard walked up to Vince and put his arms around his slender waist and allowing himself to get trapped in his adorable blue eyed gaze.

I don't mind getting trapped though...because it's nice and I like it there...Thought Howard dreamily. 

"Happy anniversary gorgeous!" Said Vince sweetly, cheekily winking as he wrapped his arms around Howard's shoulders, leaning in...

The moment threatened to turn into something more romantic until Howard actually noticed what Vince was wearing.

"Vince! You're not even ready yet," He cried, giving him a little tap on the nose. "The _Camden Brasserie_ won't let you in dressed like that!"

Though he had to admit, Vince's outfit was endearingly appropriate for such a posh restaurant, in his own way of course. He was wearing a black T-shirt with a tuxedo pattern printed on the front with black skinny jeans and a fashionable indie blazer.

"Relax, they'll let me in!" He smiled confidently, "They won't be able to resist me!"

Howard had to smile at that.

"I know I wouldn't be able to!"

They once again moved closer only to be so rudely reminded that they were in a very public place when the Nabootique shop bell tinkled. They sprang apart _(We're professionals, you know! _-thought Howard) as the door opened reveal the most startling man they had ever seen (_And trust me, we've seen some right weirdos in our time!_ Thought Vince).

"Hello Daves!"

"Um-uh excuse me?" Choked Howard. _Jeez, what a creepy fellow!_

The rough man was wearing a peculiar mixture of black biker leathers and a shirt of red velvet. He had a circus hat placed atop his crazy thick main of back hair and his skin..._Oh man, his skin! _Thought Vince _I hope it's face paint...though I doubt it! All dark, flinty and crusty-ew! And those teeth...this dude seriously needs some teeth whitener - and floss pronto! Ack! Has he even heard of grooming products???_

Vince recoiled into Howard as he widened his yellow smile at him.

"I said Hello Daaaaves!"

His voice was a hoarse growl, as if he were gargling mouthwash (_If only!- _thought Vince). His accent was equally odd. Unidentifiable, even as he stretched out words so they had multiple syllables.

"Um, we're not called Dave," stammered Howard, putting one arm protectively around Vince.

"Oh really? My apologies Dave!"

Howard frowned. Maybe he was a bit simple. "Uh riiight. Is there anything we can get for you Mr...?"

"Lazzzzzarou. My name is Papa Lazarou, and I was a thinking maybe I could do something for you."

Vince frowned at the bizarre man "No thanks Creepy Crust! Why don't ya just get out of here, yeah?"

"Easy Vince," Howard breathed in his ear supportively although he was equally desperate for him to leave. The man had startling white face paint, smeared around his yellow mouth like a clown. If Howard was completely honest, he reminded him of the Spirit of Jazz. Except that he'd never had such a wild look in his eyes like this guy did. But the way the man was prowling around Vince also strengthened the connection.

"Excuse me Dave?! I was a-thinking, maybe you would like to buy some pegs?" He enquired, opening his jacket to reveal several sewn on the inside.

The pair could only blink in astonishment and exchange surprised looks. What on earth do you say to that, really? Howard had a wild stab at replying anyway.

"Umm, no. We umm...we ordered some just yesterday, Sir. So if you're not going to buy anything, I think you should-

"Ack!" Papa Lazarou suddenly started to gag profusely (not unlike Puss in Boots from Shrek Two!) before coughing up a large black hairball on to the counter!

"Ugh that's it!" Shrieked Vince, totally grossed out, "I'm sorry -_Sir-_ but you so have to leave."

"Why?" Lazarou rasped, wiping his mouth which caused both men to wrinkle their faces in disgust, "Is ita closing tiiime?"

"No. It's because you're a big freak! Now shoo! Bye-bye! Go on - leave!"

Howard had to admire his boyfriend's courage (and honesty!) as he flapped his arms at the weirdo, until he finally started to slope off towards the door. He did leave, but not before freaking them out a little more with a look of worryingly lustful interest at Vince.

"Very well, I like your attitude Miss! I'll be seeing you again me thinks." He growled before slinking off down the street and out of sight.

"Well that was an interesting...experience!" Laughed Vince as he locked the door and turned the sign over.

"Vince! Aren't you the slightest bit worried?" Asked Howard, marvelling at Vince's ability to laugh about anything, "I mean unless you failed to notice, he did seem a **very** into you."

Vince smiled at his boyfriend's worried expression, "Nah, I'll be fine. I've got big strong Howard looking after me right?" He smiled saucily as he approached him slowly.

"Big? And you said these trousers fit me!" Replied Howard, pretending to be outraged.

Vince didn't even bother replying and instead kissed the taller man hungrily, feeling thrilled and excited when Howard responded by bending him over the counter. He let out a low moan as Howard trailed tantalising kisses down his neck. But then...

"Eeeek!" Vince shrieked girlishly as he leapt up and frantically tried to remove a black glob of hair from his palm! "Eeew! Gross, gross, gross!"

Howard spluttered, desperately trying not laugh as Vince hopped around the shop yelping.

Vince frowned, trying not to smirk himself, "Thanks for your support Howard!"

He sloped off toward the flats staircase. "Aw, I'm sorry! Where you going Vince?"

"I'm gonna go wash my hands. For like a year!" He called back without turning around, sending Howard into fresh peals of laughter as soon as he was out of earshot.

Both of men were extremely happy (hairballs aside!) on that half a year anniversary. They thought nothing could go wrong. Everything was great.

But hey, this is the world of The Mighty Boosh! You just know things won't stay that way for long...

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Hehe, hope you like! 

Does anyone have a clue of what the heck Papa Lazarou's accent is supposed to be?! lol

Also, The Camden Brasserie is real. But I don't know if they make you dress up or not.

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	2. Chapter 2

I'm seriously obsessed with The Mighty Boosh now lol! I even did this sketch of the Boosh boys and it was my best ever...does anyone know if there's anywhere you can post Boosh art online?

Thanks to those who reviewed last time. You're all lovely!! xxx

And yes Miss Violence4, I suppose this is a sequel to From the Shadows. Good idea! xx

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Disclaimer: Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt own the Boosh, and Papa Lazarou belongs to Jeremy Dyson, Mark Gatiss, Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith (The League of Gentlemen).

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"Mmm. You **so** have to try this Howard, it's **well** yummy!"

Howard tried to hide his amusement at the adorable hums of pleasure Vince was producing as he tucked into his desert. Any earlier worries of freakish, most unusual customers were certainly long forgotten. Instead traded in for a night of celebration and romance.

"Not you, candlestick!" Said Vince, glaring at the suddenly animate object that had bobbed up to intrude from another table!

The soft glow of candlelight lit the scene of the cosy restaurant. Imagine the usual, clichéd, romantic French restaurant and you would not be wrong at all. But both men simply loved it. It was such a different environment from what they were normally used to (for example: running flamboyantly away from strange creatures or eating baguettes in zoos...!)

"Delicious," agreed Howard sampling the cake from Vince's spoon, "**Eeek**!" He cried suddenly, jumping up and creating a scene.

"What you doing?! Sit down! People are staring!" Vince whispered - horrified, suddenly very aware of how much attention they were attracting.

"No way! Something just crawled up my leg! Come on you, we're getting out of here!" He hissed, protectively trying to pull Vince out of the restaurant.

"No! Stop it!" Shrieked Vince before lowering his voice urgently, "That was just my foot Howard!" He tried not to laugh as Howard released his grip on him.

"Oh!" The jazz maverick sighed as he flopped back down in his seat, turning an interesting shade of scarlet!

"Aww I'm sorry!" Sighed Vince, reaching for his hand, "You got all over protective over me just then didn't you? Adorable fool!"

Howard smiled, despite his mortification, "I'm so sorry Vince. I'm just a little on edge."

"You don't have to be. Not when you're with me."

He suddenly sounded serious. His expression so shy, earnest and honest too that it was all Howard could do not to kiss him passionately right there and then.

"I know. I know." Howard sighed again, "It's just..."

"What?"

"Things always seem to go wrong around about now. Well, for me they seem to anyway."

"When have **you** ever been on a date in here before?!" Joked Vince, "Joke! Sorry. But I'm not sure what you mean."

Vince's face was inquisitive and soft, implying he wanted an explanation, and was there for him. Howard sighed, "Come on! We don't exactly have the best track record when it comes to things being normal around here do we?!"

Vince blinked, suddenly understanding. A sweet smile graced his features as he leaned over and planted a quick kiss on Howard's lips.

"Don't you worry Howard. Things are different now. I can feel it!" He cleared his throat as he attempted to change the subject, "So come on, where's the champagne then, Mr Moon?" he asked, teasingly, "Six months without killing each other! We gotta celebrate properly, seeing as we're in the poshest restaurant in London and all!"

Howard laughed, starting to feel normal again, "Yeah well I still can't believe they even let you in - dressed like that!" He nodded at Vince's Camden-esque outfit.

"Why? Don't you think I look pretty?!" Asked Vince, doing his best to look completely innocent, but still a cheeky grin refused to be suppressed.

Howard's heartbeat increased happily, "Always," he said, his voice suddenly low and eyes dark with passion.

Vince swallowed. Hard. "Maybe you and I should go home now and..."

"Nuh-uh-uh! You wanted champagne, remember?" Now it was Howard's turn to do the teasing!

"Oh! But Howwward..."

"Waiter! A bottle of your finest and most expensive champagne please!" Howard called out, his eyes not leaving Vince's faux-sulky expression. He was joking anyway, and was about to add "to go" (he couldn't resist Vince!) when the voice that answered back startled him out of his pleasant train of thoughts about "later".

"Most-a certainly Dave!"

"**Aaaaaah**!" Both men yelped as they jumped to their feat, revealing a certain Papa Lazarou dressed as a waiter! How long he'd been serving them food was alarmingly unknown...

"You big, big freak!" Shrieked Vince, looking very annoyed, "What the heck are ya doing here?!"

"And WHY! I mean why **now**?!?!" Howard whined, sounding more frustrated than angry. So much for having a nice, normal anniversary!

"I just thought I'd come over here to say how beautiful I thought your wiiiife looked!" Lazarou growled back, leering at Vince unpleasantly.

"Oh yeah? Come over here will ya? I'll come at **you**!" Shouted Howard, flying at Lazarou uncharacteristically. He could not just stand by and watch his boyfriend get frightened by a pervey, old circus freak.

Which is just how the Boosh boys managed to get banned from London's finest restaurant!

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"Fantastic!" Yelled Vince, dusting off his jacket since they had just been thrown out onto the street by two, well-concealed, big bouncers for attacking a member of staff! 

"I'm sorry!" Howard sighed back, rubbing his sore arm - which Lazarou had kindly bitten! _He bights me and **I **thrown out?!?!? _He thought indignantly.

"Well that's our night ruined. Stupid bloody Lazzzzarou!" Vince imitated his rasp angrily, shouting at no one in particular.

The truth be told, both men felt angry. This was to be expected under the circumstances...But I mean really angry, as if something was affecting them...

"At least we didn't have to pay those assholes anything! Thanks a lot!" Howard half yelled at the place -half joking- hoping to lighten things up and shake off this abnormal feeling.

"And **you**!" Vince turned to him and frowned, hands on his hips, "You should've known better! Brawling with him like that! It was well embarrassing!"

"ME?! I was defending your honour Sir!" Cried Howard defensively as Vince squared up to him. It came out far harsher than he intended.

"Defending **my** honour? You really think I'm that weak don't ya? Well I'm not. Don't forget, I'm the one who has to rescue **you** normally."

Howard blinked in the glare of the streetlight on the eerily empty street.

Are we fighting? I mean, **really** fighting??? Me and Vince **never** fight. Okay, that's blatantly a lie, but I mean not seriously fight. What's wrong with us?

"Vince? Look I'm sorry little man." Howard was at a loss for words. He shook his head, trying to shake the feeling of animosity and shock away. He just wasn't used to Vince looking so angrily at him. He'd only been trying to help, for goodness sake.

"Well...so you should be. That was so humiliating and..."

"What?" Howard asked, eyes wide with concern. Vince looked **really** upset and livid.

"It's just...I've never had an anniversary worth celebrating before." He shook his head, "Now it looks like even this one aint even worth it. YOU aint worth it. Thanks a lot small eyes."

Howard got a very angry at that. That had hurt. He'd only been trying to defend him, after all. It wasn't his fault so many weirdoes were drawn to Vince, like moths to a flame (or electro girls to a really bright glitter ball...as it may be more appropriate). Now Vince was sulking like a baby. And not even in a cute way. He couldn't stand it.

"Well don't bother then!" Shouted Howard suddenly, storming off. He didn't know what had gotten into them. But maybe they just needed time to cool off.

This was confirmed when Vince called out sarcastically, "Fine. Leave then! See if I care. Happy freaking anniversary Howard!"

Whatever.

Vince muttered several bad words under his breath as he trailed off home. A part of him knew this rage he felt was plain unnatural. He knew he was overreacting and being plain harsh to poor Howard. But a much bigger part of him decided he couldn't care less.

He couldn't believe things had changed so dramatically between them in such a short period of time. How quickly he had gone from happily loved up, to being totally alone.

Well...almost alone that is.

As he trailed off miserably, a certain unstable someone lurked behind him in the shadows.

The same someone who had spiked their food so casually.

Vince's night, it seemed, was far from over...

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Me loves reviews! xxx

:-)

Thanks for reading.

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	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for all the Boosh art advice and lovely reviews. I don't think it's possible for you guys to get any cooler:-D**

**Papa Lazarou is friggin scary! If you're brave, look him up on youtube!

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**Disclaimer: Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding own all things Booshy. The League of Gentlemen (****Jeremy Dyson, Mark Gatiss, Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith) own Papa Lazarou.

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"Hey Naboo, have you seen Vince?"

Howard sounded frustrated with a trace of fear. He had spent most of his anniversary fuming away at the nearest jazz club before returning home at two in the morning. He had been fairly miserable for the whole night, contemplating what had gone wrong. Their anger had been so sudden, so uncalled for. This thought allowed his rage to subside. The sudden clarity paired with alcohol and sad jazz tunes had made him want to see Vince and wrap his arms around him, more than ever...

_I've only just started to be able to do that. Do I __**really **__want to stop??? _He thought into his whiskey, eyes widening in horror.

Then an even more disturbing thought entered his mind, causing him to panic profusely. _I just left him on the streets after what had happened..._

_Oh god._

Needless to say, he had rushed home instantly.

"Nah sorry Howard. Me and Bollo only just got back ourselves. You know we made sure we were out of the way for you guys," He wrinkled his eyebrows in a meaningful way.

Howard stiffened and felt a lump in his throat at that reply. _Uh-oh, where the hell is he?! _

Then he focused on the rest of what Naboo had said, and he blushed fiercely, "I have to say, don't know what you mean!"

"Well you know. We didn't want to intrude...when you guys got home and...well, you know..." The little, blue shaman trailed off looking especially grossed out.

"No I don't Sir!" Replied Howard, horrified but still playing the innocent.

"We no want to be here when the boinking started." Translated Bollo in his usual blunt, monotone way, "That would be gross!"

Naboo sniggered before taking another puff on the hookah he and Bollo were currently sharing on the couch.

"Why? Is everything not okay in the world of Howince?!" Asked Naboo, his knowing eyes swimming.

If this were an episode of the show, Howard would have shamelessly broken the fourth wall to raise his eyebrows at the audience in a look of confused exasperation!

"Howince?!" He shook his head, "Whatever. If you must know, we had an awful fight and now I think he may be in trouble-

"I thought he was with you." Lisped Naboo dreamily.

Howard felt like tearing his own hair out, "NO HE'S NOT! Obviously! That's why I asked you!"

"You need to chill Howard." Said Naboo, holding the bong out to him helpfully.

"ARRR! Look Naboo, have you heard of Papa Lazarou?" Asked Howard hopefully through gritted teeth, trying to stay calm.

"Ummm yes."

He held his breath, waiting for Naboo to elaborate. His desperate interest turned to psychopathic agitation at the silence that followed.

"**Well**?!"He growled, not entirely unlike Lazarou himself.

"Well, I don't know what to say. He's on a different network."

"Nabooooo..." Snarled Howard.

"Okay, okay...He's a circus master. Steals wives. Likes to sale pegs on the side too..."

"What?!"

"Yeah I know, what a way to make a living huh? Pegs! Who'd have thought..." Naboo grinned dopily, clearly high.

"NO! I mean, he collects wives?!"

"Totally. I said didn't I? Ball bag. It's his favourite hobby."

"Oh no." Groaned Howard trying to swallow the lump of terror in his throat "You don't think that he thinks Vince is a...?"

"Woman?" Asked Naboo, "Well if we go with the odds of that happening..."

"He definitely has precious Vince!" Chimed in Bollo, finally looking alarmed as opposed to just stoned.

"Oh God! We have to save him! It's all my fault! Oh dear! Oh no! What do we do?!?!?" Gabbled Howard, flapping his arms in a panic.

"Relax Howard, we'll find him. And from what I hear, he takes good care of his wives." Insisted Naboo, hands on Howard's shoulders. If that piece of information was supposed to be comforting, it wasn't working. If anything, it sounded alarmingly sinister...

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Vince had come home.

They didn't know it, but he had. After their argument he had stomped home furiously, slamming the door of their vacant flat, hours before anyone else.

"Stupid Howard. _Defending your honour!_ What an idiot." He hissed furiously once he was in their room. No-one was home, so the nearby picture of them would have to take the full brunt of his anger.

He swiped at it, knocking it clear off the bedside table.

The sound of glass smashing brought him to his senses.

"What the hell am I doing?!" He instantly felt terrible and picked up the picture with the utmost care. He really loved that photo. Howard looked adorably awkward, a half smile-half frown plastered across his handsome face. Vince had his arms around his shoulders clinging on to him tightly, his dazzling smile shamed Howard's in comparison. It had been taken long before they had admitted their feelings for one another. Before Vince had black hair even. They were in their zoo uniforms on a freezing cold day when Bob Fossil had come at them with a camera.

"Smile for the flashy plastic box thing!" He had called out, "And Moon, try not to break it with your ugly mug. I need it for the pamphlet paper things!"

Vince had thrown himself at Howard, trying most of all to cheer him up but also to keep warm and improve his image (Vince Noir was the ultimate accessory. A dog could look gorgeous with him on it's arm!).

Vince smiled at the memory.

_Oh no. Howard. Why was I such a complete twat to you?! I can't even remember why we were fighting now!_

And with that, the last of the rage was gone. He grabbed his coat quickly and headed for the door deciding to look for Howard and do whatever it takes to make it up to him (_and I mean whatever!)_.

He swung open the door.

"Hello Dave!"

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"**Shit**!!!" Vince almost fell over backwards as he tried to slam the door, only for Lazarou's beefy shoulder to get wedged in the way.

"No ma'am. I-ya need to talk to you."

"Well I don't want to talk to you! Piss off!" He shrieked, as the unwelcome visitor forced his way in.

"Come on wifey!" He growled.

It was only at this point Vince noticed he wasn't alone.

"Who's that?!" He cried fearfully, pointing at the shrouded figure who had sloped in behind Lazarou, rather miserably.

"That is my wife!" Declared Lazarou proudly as he stalked around the living room threateningly.

The person in question had a peach coloured cloak on that Vince wouldn't be caught dead in. The hood was pulled up so that the face could not be seen. Her stance was hunched as she lurked slyly behind her "husband's" back. She was the sad, stereotypical definition of a housewife.

Except there was nothing stereotypical about her husband.

"Oh. Family visit is this? How nice! And did I mention? GET OUT!" Screamed Vince starting to feel quite scared now.

Lazarou quit his pacing and stared at the red faced electro boy.

"I find-a you rude and offensive. I most a-certainly will leave right now."

"Oh thank God!" Sighed Vince.

"After I have used your toilet."

_Damn!_

After that random little comment, Lazarou stalked confidently in the direction of the bathroom and shut the door. But not before having a brief, disturbing conversation with his wife that Vince could only just over hear. He thought he was going mad!

"Autom-sprou-canda-tickbana-sandwor-budnorsellaswie?!"

Apparently she understood!

"Gerrbet…gonchee….I-like-cheese-shabbat!"

Vince raised his eyebrows and wisely chose to say nothing!

As soon as Lazarou was out of sight the remaining two people sprung into action.

Vince leapt at the door tugging frantically at the handle, but to no avail.

"How did he manage to lock this?!?!" Vince scratched his head in confusion, heartbeat racing.

He was really trapped now and that was a far more frightening situation to be in. He remembered the way Lazarou had leered at him before, and tried not to start blubbering.

"Because he's a professional. That's why."

That's when Vince noticed that the mysterious spouse had crept up behind him to grab his arm. At he thought the gesture was in aggression (he was ready to pull out some hair if necessary!), but Vince soon saw it was out of desperation. Just by the look in her eyes, he could see that.

"You have to get out of here. He's...he's dangerous." She stuttered, hood falling back.

Vince could clearly see the fresh face of a young woman (who looked strangely like that bloke Mark Gatiss...). The overly fruity voice also screamed 'drag queen!' to Vince, but he could hardly say this out loud. That would just be plain rude! Okay, that would** so** be something Vince would typically say, but even he could see this wasn't the time! Especially if this 'girl' was his ticket out of this mess.

_I'm a prisoner in my own home, _he thought sadly before saying:

"Well, I think I guessed that! But you're his wife. Can't you tell him to leave me alone. 'Coz no offence luv, but I think he keeps eyeing me up!"

The wife looked disgusted, "I'm not his wife! He kidnapped me one day when I was hanging me washing on the line. Pretended to be selling pegs he did!"

"But you talk to him in that weird language!" Cried Vince, mouth hanging open.

"It's just gibberish. I make it up!" She sighed sadly, "And you'll have to too. If you don't, he could get really nasty..."

Vince didn't like the sound of that one bit. Which is why he did what he did once Lazarou came back.

"Play along!" She whispered, before edging away.

"Hey Dave, is your toilet broken?"

Vince assumed that question was directed at him, "Uh...no, why?"

"It is now!" He laughed hoarsely.

Vince shuddered. _Just play along Vince...Naboo'll be along in a minute..._

Lazarou directed the next string of gibberish at him. "Nesquick...volley...shyack. Maybe it's mabelline?!"

Vince blinked, deciding to put his trust into the weird man/woman as he nervously stammered, "Numan...mod wolf...malt loaf...Greeegg? Human league!" He imitated his tone, heart racing with fear.

For one terrifying minute nothing was said. Lazarou just studied him closely. Wildly, dark eyes burning into his.

But then he broke out into a huge grin -the most humourless grin ever- and said, "Of course you can come travelling with us! We would be delighted!"

"NOOO!" Vince raised his hands and tried to back away frantically, leaning against the door, "I DIDN'T SAY THAT!"

But it was too late. Lazarou approached him menacingly before snarling happily, "YOU'RE MY WIFE NOW!"

And with that, the door flew open and several mini-wives grabbed Vince's arms with surprising strength.

A sack was placed over his head, and the world went black.

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**Woo that was long...and sinister! Hoped you still like xxx

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	4. Chapter 4

**What a nice surprise to have so many reviews. Thanks so much. I'm glad you're enjoying (though I thought the last chapter was a bit freakish)!**

**Disclaimer: The mighty Boosh belongs to Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding. Jeremy Dyson, Mark Gatiss, Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith own The League of Gentleman (now there's a mouthful!)

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"Okay, okay then...how do we find him?!"

Howard could barely breathe; he was panicking so badly inside. His stomach was churning as he tried not to think of the possible things Lazarou could be doing to Vince right now. He tried to keep up with the other two, tried to keep his thoughts to himself. But every now and then one frantically slipped out, betraying him.

_This is a nightmare. A total nightmare. I'll never forgive myself if something's happened to him. I'll kill that Lazarou..._

Suddenly, he was painfully aware that Bollo, Naboo and he were rushing through the darkened streets of London, with absolutely no idea of where they were actually going.

"Naboo? Naboo?! NABOO!!!" He bellowed until the small shaman finally stopped in his tracks -a little ahead of him- before turning around to face him with a displeased expression on his face.

"What?!" He demanded crabbily, a little out of breath.

"You don't know where we're going do you?!" Howard sighed deeply at the duo's blank expressions, "Fantastic. So when you say 'let's go rescue Vince right now!' you really mean, 'lets stumble through the dark like a load of stoned muppets'!!! Great!" He sighed deeply after his deadly accurate impression of Naboo.

"Sarcasm not helping." Mumbled Bollo, at least having the decency of looking a little ashamed.

"No. **You** guys aren't helping. He could be scared right now or in pain or-or..." Howard trailed off, trying hard not to break down.

"Hey, it's okay. Trust me." Replied Naboo placing his hands on Howard's tense shoulders. Howard exhaled deeply, wishing he could believe him whilst all the while marvelling at little Naboo's kind and understanding tone. Naboo's new-found kindness was slightly wrecked when his usual sassy sarcasm came back with a vengence!

"And by the way, I **do** know what I'm doing thank you very much Mr Small Eyes!" puffed the Enigma indignantly, moving sharply away.

He closed his eyes suddenly, as if were in a deep trance. His head flopped back and rolled around once, twice, three times, before his eyes snapped open once again, looking sharp and focused. The Gorilla and Maverick watched in interest, eyebrows raised, breathed baited until he finally said, "They're in a weird place. A place of extreme freakiness...and hairballs! The Pandemonium Travelling Carnival!" He declared, looking very pleased with himself.

"Wow! Did you just go into a trance?! Well done Naboolio!" Howard exclaimed, all set to eagerly dash off until Naboo yelled at him shortly (no pun intended).

"No you ball bag. I saw it on his flyer!" He rolled his eyes, pointing at a nearby poster that was attached to a pole. It came complete with it's own creepy picture of Lazarou in the middle, in all his glory! The tagline bellow read: "Lazarou invites all you Daves to the wonderful, the weird, the wild, Pandemonium Travelling Carnival!

Beneath that statement, it said (in much smaller print!) "And bring your wives too!"

"Oh. Right then...makes more sense I suppose," Blushed Howard, sounding embarrassed, "Well come on then...no time to waste, guys!"

And with that, the brave threesome broke off into a sprint, in the vague direction of the circus's location.

_Don't worry Vince; we're coming for you..._Thought Howard determinedly.

_I need to get fitter. Yeah, cut back on the Pot Noodles...Or maybe just my magic carpet back from the dry cleaners! _Thought Naboo wearily.

_I've got a bad feeling about this..._Thought Bollo grumpily, thinking a deep sense of foreboding that all of them secretly shared as they raced off into the night...

* * *

"Where am I? What's going on?" Vince Noir cried out into the darkness of some kind of stinky, old tent.

"You're-a home now!" Came the ragged, unwanted reply of a dangerously out of sight Papa Lazarou.

_Oh God...Hurry up Howard!_ Thought Vince desperately as he wondered what could possibly happen next...

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**Sorry it's a bit short. I've got a lot of coursework to catch up on :-(**

**And don't worry, it shall get more light-hearted once more! xxx

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	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks to the usual suspects who've reviewed. You continue to make my day/week/month/year! (Whichever is applicable :-)**

**Woohoo, the Boosh did very well at the NME awards! Of course, they so deserved it :-D

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**Disclaimer: Here we go again! The Mighty Boosh belongs to Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding. Jeremy Dyson, Mark Gatiss, Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith own The League of Gentleman - phew!

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**

"Aw...me head!"

Vince Noir grumbled out loud to no one in particular, more concerned about his hair than his potential concussion. He certainly wasn't speaking to Papa Lazarou, who sat opposite, studying him in spine chilling silence.

Everything about that place was spine chilling. From the haunting carnival music that floated through air, (you know the kind. The organ/trombone creepy combo they always play at circuses), to the odd, tittering wives who passed him every now and then, inspecting the latest member of the Lazarou's Abducted Wives Club. Vince supposed the tent was some kind of place for the "women" to live in. He didn't doubt for one second that the outside of the tent would be heavily guarded. Besides, it was certainly no place for a rock star, like Vince Noir to live in. It had a dirt floor, with random corduroy, chaise lounges dotted around the room for the wives to sleep on (_Howard would love one of them!)_. The whole tent was illuminated by candles placed on mini podiums that cast an eerie glow through the tent.

Vince's eyes focused to all these details as him vision become clear from the wooziness he had been experiencing. He was about to unleash a scathing put-down upon Papa Lazarou (who was sat in a worn leather barker lounger in front of him, staring) until he was distracted by something of far more importance...

"AAAH!!! MY jacket!!!" Screamed Vince, leaping up from the dirty floor (at least he wasn't tied up for once!) "You monster! I look like Granny Scroggins!"

He leapt around, looking distraught as he tried to rip off the beige monstrosity he was now wearing. A knee-length horror of a coat that tied in at the waist. A Textbook Old pensioner's coat!

"Oh do you like it?" Lazarou snarled scarily.

"Does it look like I bloody like it?! You flipping bumbaclod!" Shrieked Vince. He tore it off and screwed it up on the floor, stomping on it several times for good measure, as if it would jump back up and re-attach itself to him if it could (_Hey, don't mock! You never know...!_).

He was very relived to see nothing else in his posh, indie-boy outfit had been altered. He breathed a sigh of relief. If Lazarou had touched the hair, he'd have been a dead man!

"Phew, easily repaired, though I'll be in therapy for a few years because of it!" Sighed Vince, glaring at the OAP coat that lay defeated on the ground in shame, "What **were** you thinking?!"

His voice broke into higher octaves as he said _thinking!_

"I was just a-testing your new wife uniform." Replied Lazarou, looking somewhat amused.

"Yeah well...listen mate, I aint your wife 'kay?" Vince blurted out, backing away as Lazarou moved closer, "In fact, I aint even a bird - surprise, surprise!"

"WHAT?!" The reply was of hoarse (of course!) shock.

_Yeah! I'll be out of here in no time! _

"Oh well, never mind, you are so pretty!" _Crap! _"Never fear Dave, I will not-a reject you! You can still live here with me. Papa Lazarou!"

"Well, that's the point, I don't want to live with you, get it?!" Vince shouted that last part, fed up of playing Lazarou's games. This act caused several eaves dropping fishwives to gasp in shock! "Yeah you heard me! You can all be slaves if ya like, but I'm out of here!" Vince whirled around from Papa Lazarou dramatically, heading for the tent flap, until Lazarou's mean grip landed on his arm, forcing him to face him yet again.

"Get off me!" Cried Vince, horrified, "I don't know where you've been!"

"Do not leave my darling!" Grinned Lazarou unpleasantly. Once again, he was far too close.

"Ugh back away you jack of clubs!" Shuddered Vince, "Your breath stinks, it's all fishy! That's well minging!" He gagged uncomfortably.

Lazarou shrugged, "What can I say? I eat a lot of jelly fish!"

"Freak!" Shrieked Vince, "Still it explains your voice, I s'pose."

"Of course. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, if you stay-"

"There's nothing you can say that'll make me stay in this freak show!" Interrupted Vince, waving one hand at the spying, hooded wives.

"Not even if I a-give you this?!"

Lazarou held out the biggest, shiniest diamond pendant (on a solid gold chain) that Vince had ever seen. He swung it in front of Vince's face like a man attempting hypnosis.

"Wow!" Smiled Vince in awe. He loved the way he could see his own reflection in it. Hundreds of happily grinning Vince's smiled back, all rainbow coloured whenever they caught the light. "It's so pretty! Even better than Top Shop accessories!"

"Yes, and you can keep it, if you stay in my show. Go on, take it, you know you want to!"

Vince was ever so tempted by the offer as he became temporarily trapped in his own reflection, just like a budgie!

"Hmm, well I don't know...My freedom for the ultimate accessory...it's a toughie!" Then Howard's face swam into his mind.

_**"You're always flicking about on the breeze of fashion!" Scolded Howard**_.

He was right. Howard. He would never see him again if he became a carnie. And that was so not worth the trade! Nothing ever would be.

"I DON'T THINK SO, YOU UTTER FREAK!!!" Yelled Vince, using all his will power.

More gasps.

Lazarou glared at him and quickly stuffed the priceless item back into his pocket, breaking Vince's heart a little bit as it left his line of vision.

"Fine then Dave! You asked for it! You will be the new star of my show. But if you leave me, I'll need a new star for my show. And if I need a new star for my show, I may have to consider using this a-Howard of yours!" Lazarou's tone was menacing, cold and deadly serious.

"You wouldn't dare," Whispered Vince, all of the fighting strength suddenly draining away.

"You a...want to bet, pretty boy?" Threatened Lazarou, dark eyes shining wildly, "with-a eyes like his, he could go in my freak show. Man with crab eyes! Until he gets boring that is, then I'll have to feed him to the elephants!" He chuckled gleefully. He certainly knew how to play Vince. He was suddenly filled with fear and dread. There was no doubt in his mind that he was serious. None at all.

Vince sank down onto the dirt floor, not even caring about his special skinny jeans, "Fine then. You win." He choked out, trying not to cry, "But you can't go near Howard. Promise me."

"You have my word Dave!" Growled Lazarou, sounding very pleased.

And why shouldn't he be? He had won, totally and utterly. Vince breathed a sigh that was a pure mixture of relief and sorrow. At least he knew Howard was safe for now, but he still was scared for himself.

_But Lazarou doesn't know what I know... I've got a trump card!_ Thought Vince's brain cell.

_I've got two mentalist buddies. One with supernatural powers and a host of mean put-downs. And the other is a friggin gorilla, with all that monkey strength! Okay, okay, the shaman __**may**__ only be as big as Ronnie Corbett with his legs amputated and Bollo is spazzy primate with asthma...But let's not think about that, yeah?! Besides, I have the best boyfriend in the whole world, and let's face it, he's never gonna let Lazarou get away with this. Oh yes, fur __**will **__fly!_

Suddenly he didn't feel so down anymore as he allowed his mind to drag him into the sugar coated world of Vince Noir once more.

Lazarou's minions gathered around him once their "husband" had stomped outside to start his show. Each asking whether he was okay and staring in wonderment at the man who had stood up to Lazarou. That was when Vince started to form a plan of his own.

_Don't look so surprised! It happens now and then. I aint no damsel in distress!_

He stood up in the middle of the circling masses of middle aged women and laughed.

"You alright everyone?!" Smiled Vince, feeling confident again, "Now who wants to hear some fashion advice first?! Coz let's face it, you all need it!"

* * *

"This must be it!" Announced Howard unnecessarily. 

"Yes, we **can** read the sign you ball bag." Frowned Naboo.

"Sorry."

The random three stood in the line that led to the glowing world of "Papa Lazarou's Pandemonium Travelling Carnival".

"Now, you remember the plan right Howard?" Asked Naboo, "I'll go provide the get-away vehicle, while you and Bollo get a lay of the site."

"And find Vince." Grunted Bollo.

"Of course." Nodded Howard. Naboo started sloping off on his mission, "Wait! Naboo, haven't you got a way to sneak us in? Any lotions or potions?"

He turned around briefly, "I find buying a ticket works very well!"

And with that he was gone.

"Idiot." Bollo muttered to Howard.

"I am not…it's just not very stealthy is it? Walking straight in like this."

"Bollo grunted disapprovingly, "you think you are James Bond with bad moustache huh?"

"Shut up," frowned Howard as the line lurched forward toward the sinister red gates that lead to the circus, "Oh dear, here we go..."

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**Sorry it took so long to update, I know that can be annoying. I've been very busy though xxx**

**HUGE thanks to those who requested alerts and stuff. That makes me well happy!

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	6. Chapter 6

Cheers to all my reviewers, you rock! xxx

Thanks to Beechwood0708! You were the only one to notice Vince said "I aint even a bloke!" instead of bird lol! That so had to be changed!!

This is so bad of me...I'm rushing the end of this story out when I should be revising...psychology test on Thursday! I mean an exam...I'm not crazy, honest (despite what this story and these ramblings imply...I'll shut up now)!

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Disclaimer: The Mighty Boosh belongs to Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding. Jeremy Dyson, Mark Gatiss, Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith own The League of Gentleman. Don't sue!

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"No. I can't bring myself to do it Bollo. I just can't. We'll have to find another way."

"There is no other way Howard. Was your idea anyway."

"Yeah, but this is just plain undignified!"

Howard pouted around the side of the tent that they believed Vince was being held captive in. They had sneakily noticed many of Lazarou's wives entering and leaving it freely, so it was a fair estimation.

Not such a bad detective team, ay?! Howard thought earlier on, feeling proud. At least until he came up with the bad idea of swiping one of the nearby wife outfits (that was being stored in a tent nearby) to sneak in that is. 

And guess who had to wear it?!

A look of pure humiliation was tangible upon Howard's rugged face.

"Bollo no know why you're so grumpy. I think that dress suits you!" Teased Bollo, evilly.

Howard sighed and folded his arms across the pink dress that was so flatteringly strained across his frame in the moonlight. The little, yellow stitched flowers that were dotted in a savage pattern around the garment did nothing to improve Howard's mood either!

"Shut up!" Growled Howard at his companion's laughter, "And I meant Naboo should sneak in dressed like this, not me! He wears a dress all the time anyway and he's feminine too!"

Bollo produced a low growl in defence of his best friend's masculinity. "Whatever Harold! He's not here now anyway. Stop frowning lady, you'll get wrinkle lines!"

"Shut up, you tit-box!" Repeated Howard angrily, "This is all for Vince remember?"

That question seemed to sober up the laughing gorilla.

"Yes. You go. Go now."

Howard sighed once more as Bollo nudged him harshly towards the tent.

"Yeah, well if something goes wrong - if I'm gone fore more than ten minutes, you'll come busting in right?"

"Yeah, yeah," Muttered Bollo distractedly, his furry back suddenly facing Howard.

"Are you even listening to me?!"

The gorilla turned around, a look of guilt and annoyance on his face over being caught playing Pac Man on his game boy!

"Bollo!" Shouted Howard.

"Sorry. Thought you'd be gone a while." He shrugged, looking ashamed, "But don't worry Howard. I'll be here for precious Vince's sake," he added, making it clear he wasn't listening to Howard for his sake.

Howard frowned and headed towards the entrance.

This was a very bad idea.

But at least it was **an** idea. And one that just might work...

Yeah right!

If it wasn't for Vince being in there, I would never be doing this. Not in a million years...

Well, unless we were fighting an army of evil Nanas that is.

But that hardly even counts, does it?

Okay, it does.

I really have to stop doing this! It's becoming something of a habit... He thought worriedly as he added the regulation brown, hooded cloak, making sure it covered the majority of his face (especially his moustache!). 

Oh yes, really bad idea.

He moved swiftly to join a group of approaching wives - attempting to blend in - whilst Bollo got to laugh at him on the sidelines (just waiting for something to go wrong).

The wives he blended with walked like brainwashed sheep, devoid of any emotion and free will. Howard shuddered, praying with his entire soul that Lazarou hadn't done this to Vince as well. He shrugged the distressing thought away and concentrated on copying them, whilst searching for any guards on the door, cursing himself for not thinking of checking sooner.

And then he saw one who was nodding to each wife, with a very creepy grin on his face.

He was not just any guard either, but one that Howard knew all too well.

"Shit!" Howard couldn't help but let the unintentional expletive slip out in terror. He wondered if it was too late to turn around and make a dash for it. This, he soon found was impossible as the crowd was now far too thick for him to be able to achieve any kind of unnoticeable escape.

Oh crap. Oh no! What do I do? What do I do?!

Just blend in! _Keep going - fool! For Vince's sake! And yours now too..._

His legs turned to jelly and he was having serious trouble breathing and thinking straight.

Yes Howard Moon, man of action, was panicking big time. He couldn't even think straight.

Eels!

He desperately tried not to make eye contact with the guard as he passed him by, into the darkened haven of a tent entrance. To where he would surely be safer.

Almost there...

"Whoooooaa! Hang on there, squire! Where do you think **you're** going?!"

"AAAH!"

Howard almost jumped right out of his skin (well his too tight dress anyway!) as he felt a strong and terrifying hand clamp down on to his shoulder.

Not just any hand either.

It was the murderous hand belonging to none other than the pepper-mint nightmare that was Hitcher!

Uh-oh!

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Mwahahaha! chokes!

This story needed a little boost!

Hope you like xxx


	7. Chapter 7

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Sorry to keep you on the tenterhooks people.

What is a tenterhook anyway?!

Never mind, I digress! I really couldn't help the long delay this time though. I've been very ill. And believe me when I say very :-(

I'll delay no more...

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Disclaimer: The Mighty Boosh belongs to Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding. Jeremy Dyson, Mark Gatiss, Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith own The League of Gentleman.

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"Yeeeah, you thought you'd gotten away with it, did ya, you slaaag? You really thought I'd just let you waltz on by me, lookin like **that**?"

To say that all the blood froze in Howard Moon's veins would not be an exaggeration at all.

He stood there, trembling, rooted to the spot by the always over dramatic tones of the Evil Green Hitcher.

Howard stood facing the entrance that led the way to Vince.

So close, yet so very far.

Is it too late to run?!?!

Oh god...he's gonna piss in my face isn't he? Or worse...

Help!

Where is Bollo anyway?

Howard could just about see the hunched, furry back of Mr Bollo around the side of the tent, paying no attention whatsoever to the predicament he was now in.

He's playing Pac Man! Bloody Pac Man! I'll tell you now, the creator of it should be **burning in hell**!!!

He took a deep breath, realising he had no choice but to spin around and face the porpoise raping, cockney rapping, eel controlling nightmare that had him in his clutches (and was digging his bony, old fingers deeper and deeper into his shoulders by the minute).

So he did.

The Hitcher -to his chagrin- had not changed at all. His eyes were just as crazy, filled with a creepy mixture of menace and excitement. His skin - dark green and proud! And that straggly mane of grey hair lay untamed around his shoulders. His attire, as eccentric and unusual as ever (yes, complete with polo and top hat!).

And that manic grin...

Oh boy.

"Pardon me for askin', but don't I know you from somewhere ma'am?" The Hitcher asked, eyes lighting up dangerously, "I'm sure I remember that stocky hammerhead from somewhere else before..."

Phew!

Play it cool Howard. He doesn't recognize you, yet...

Howard tried to hide the relief in his voice as he summoned the courage to reply. It was surprisingly easy seeing as every emotion he had was overshadowed by one in particular.

And that was fear.

"Umm s-s-sorry sir...don't know what you mean - sir," Whispered Howard, shaking like a mad man as he tried to avoid that wild gaze that had haunted him for so long.

There was a terrifying pause. Until the Hitcher let loose again.

"That's funny that is, coulda sworn I knew ya. Maybe it's me brain, not being quite as fast as it used to be, on account of me gettin older and likin the wacky backy! Time once was that my mind was as sharp as my knife collection. 'Oooh!' people would cry. 'Here comes the Hitcher...he's a pure evil genius. Keep him away from my kiddies'!" He sighed suddenly, sounding dejected.

Howard glanced around nervously. As comforting as The Hitcher's chatty performance to him may have been, he sure was drawing a lot of attention to them as his arms stretched out in a very melodramatic manner.

"Now look at me. The great Hitcher reduced to a lowly bouncer. Who'd of thought it? You know how I got this way lassie?" He asked casually, "It's ever since I let this one, ugly couple go. One looked like a Christmas tree bauble, the other was like some kind of man-crab! Anyway, saved my old life they did, with this remarkable elbow patch. Still that was no excuse. Should've at least raped 'em, not shared me special eels song with them! Gits made me go all soft they did! If I ever see them again, I dunno what I'd do. But I'll tell you one thing." The Hitcher leaned towards a terrified Howard and lowered his voice, "I'm gonna get those slags one day!"

Oh yes. It just got a hell of a lot worse!

Howard shuddered violently with fear. But he couldn't help but marvel at the old man's ability to not breathe for several minutes as he ranted and also at his inability to recognise Howard.

Sure Bollo had slathered enough stage makeup on Howard to make him look like King of the Drag Queens (he had wisely made sure Howard did not see his reflection in any shiny surfaces!). But surely, that wasn't much of a disguise, even with the outfit!

Despite dwelling on these fearful thoughts, Howard still felt a stab of sympathy for the spindly man-witch as he noticed how sad he looked. Looking ashamed of his bouncer status as he drew away from Howard. So he did what he did now not only out of pity, but more importantly, to get to Vince.

"Hey, come on now. It isn't all that bad is it?"

"What d'ya mean?"

"Well bouncers, as I hear it, are the back bone of every good society - yes sir."

"Really?" Asked the Hitcher, looking a little hopeful.

"Of course. They're strong and tough with a mysterious poise to them. And they're also rather manly!"

Easy Howardina! I know he's the way to Vince but still...!

Howard had no idea what he was burbling on about, but something was working.

The Hitcher skipped a beat. "Wait a mo, are you coming on to me squire?"

"No!" Shrieked Howard, sounding truly horrified as the Hitcher leered unpleasantly at him.

Well that had the wrong effect!

"Well that's good, coz I gotta say, you're easily the ugliest lookin' bird I ever did lay me powerful solo peeper on! No offence or nothin'."

"Thanks for that." Replied Howard, sounding a little hurt (which was ridiculous, given the circumstances!).

"Now run along sweetheart. You've cheered me right up!" Claimed the Hitcher, prodding Howard roughly in the back in an attempt to herd him into the tent, like a sheep.

Howard didn't need to be told twice. He practically skipped into there, feeling a little relieved. But it was far from over yet.

"Wait a minute!"

Howard's breath caught in his throat.

"What I was goin to say originally was sort yourself out luv, you look a right state! Lazarou'll be back soon..."

* * *

Uh-oh. It's one just thing after another isn't it?!

Who thinks this will go well?!

Thanks for your support!

Howard allowed his eyes to adjust to the murky candle light of the tent and was soon horrified by what he saw.

"Get away from him!" He shouted, charging to the rescue.

A pack of the mindless wives had Vince trapped within a circle of them. They were all prodding and poking Vince intrusively, like he was some new, unfortunate attraction at the Zooniverse. Howard's protective instincts instantly launched into overdrive.

"Get away from my Vince! I know judo and I'm warning you, I've got the moves!"

The commotion stopped as everyone quite rightly stared at the stocky jazz queen that lumbered towards them looking oh so outraged. The room was deadly silence until a cheerful little laugh emerged from the crowd. One that made Howard's heart beat quicken happily.

"Howard, you came! Aww, I knew you would!" Laughed Vince delightedly as Howard pushed his way through the throng. He wrapped his arms around the taller man happily and breathed in his Howard-y scent before whispering, "But you really didn't need to come dressed like **that**!"

Howard decided to ignore that remark. It was standard Vince and he plain adored it.

"Of course I came, you know I'd never leave you little man." Howard wanted to do more than just hug the electro boy in his arms, but was suddenly very aware of their odd audience. "Come on Vince, we're out of here. I know we can take them all on together!" He cried, preparing to judo chop a particularly intimidating (and large) looking woman -who was standing far too close for comfort- in the neck!

"Wait, wait Howard! What you doing?!" Yelled Vince in alarm, taking Howard's hands in his own, to prevent him from unleashing any dubious moves upon the unsuspecting world.

"Busting you out of here, of course!" Replied Howard, looking at Vince as if he'd gone mental.

"Not by hitting my friends you aint!"

That sure surprised Howard, "Your-your friends?!" He choked out, blushing, "But-I-I saw them harassing you!"

Vince couldn't help but smile at Howard's dazed expression. It was adorable really, "Harassing? Nah, they were just in line for the next make over! I just did Martine's!" Smiled Vince, looking delighted as he pointed to the most attractive looking wife there, who responded by giggling coyly, shaking her Vince-esque mop of hair! "Maybe I could be a makeup artist here only some days that is..." He was off. Away with the fairies. Howard knew he had top nip this in the bud.

"Uh riiiight...Sure you could," Replied Howard, choosing his words with extreme care. "That's great Vince - I guess. But we've gotta go now. The Hitcher say's Lazarou'll be back any minute!"

"The Hitcher's here?!" Squealed Vince, finally snapping out of Vincey-land, "Oh dear, it's like the most freakish reunion ever!" He groaned.

"I know." Said Howard hastily, as he tried to steer Vince towards the exit, "But right now, the only person we need to reunite with is Naboo. So let's go!"

"Alright, alright. Hang on a tick will you?" This caused a spark of annoyance to course through Howard, but he wisely said nothing, "Right girls. Take care won't you? Remember to exfoliate twice a day and that a little glitter...?"

"Goes a long way!" Chorused the Wives, making Howard jump.

"Very good!" Grinned Vince, "I'll just say, this has definitely been one of the funnest abductions I've been in, but I gotta go. Byyyyye!"

Before he could join Howard, one hooded wife whispered something in Vince's ear, whilst pointing to Howard. Vince smiled broadly in reply to her, and responded with a hug and a shy "thank you".

"What was that about?" Asked Howard.

"Oh nothin'" Grinned Vince mischievously.

"Come on Vince!" Whined Howard as they wandered over to the exit. "I risked certain death for you, now tell me-"

"A-well, well, well. It a-looks like Dave wants to join us after all, eh Vincey?" laughed the familiar, growl voice that belonged to none other than Papa Lazarou!

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Hope you're still enjoying and sorry about the wait xxx

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	8. Chapter 8

Thanks so much to those who have stuck with this. You're all stars! The reviews/alert requests make me ridiculously happy!

Woohoo! I've totally got over the lurgy (as Mr Fielding calls it!). I had something very unpleasant called Norovirus. I do not recommend catching it. Even if it does get you out of psychology tests! Hehe...

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Disclaimer: The Mighty Boosh belongs to Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding. Jeremy Dyson, Mark Gatiss, Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith own The League of Gentleman. Still a mouthful!

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"Well this day just keeps getting better and better doesn't it?"

"Shut-a your mouth!" Lazarou hissed in reply to Howard's sarcasm.

"Yeah seriously sssh Howard! This guy's totally off his nut!" Whispered Vince urgently as he remembered Lazarou's earlier threats concerning Howard.

But for once, Howard was too annoyed to be scared or cautious even.

"Oh really? I think I can tell that. I mean the man collects **wives** Vince! And you thought me collecting stamps was a creepy hobby!" Howard said to Vince light-heartedly to try to comfort him. Then he turned to Lazarou, peeling his arm from Vince's possessive, limpet-like grasp. "And you!"

He turned his Northern fury on the circus freak.

"First you decide to cough up a hair ball in the Nabootique - that I had to clear up, may I add! Then you go and wreck our anniversary dinner. And THEN, to top it all off you steal **my** boyfriend on said anniversary!" Howard started shaking with anger as he slowly approached Papa Lazarou, who -to Howard's great delight- responded by taking a step backwards in what he certainly hoped was fear. However, the devious grin was still plastered across his face, so perhaps not.

Vince was impressed at Howard's unexpected display of manliness. Let's face it. It's pretty hot seeing your own boyfriend looking so downright possessive and enraged over what had happened to you. Despite the proud feeling in his mind, Vince -unlike his adrenaline fuelled boyfriend- could see this probably wasn't going to end well.

Especially when Lazarou pulled out a big, unfriendly knife.

"Howard get back!" Screamed Vince

"Yep! Don't need to tell me twice!" Howard did as he was told, clutching Vince's hand as they huddled together, away from Lazarou's cold advance.

"I had high hopes for-a you two. I'm sorry you made me do this Daves."

For a moment the lovers envisioned him using that knife on them. So it was almost funny (and a relief) when he did what he did next.

And that was saying this:

"Get 'em Wives!"

In the tension of the moment, Vince and Howard had completely failed to notice the crowd of misfit women gathering around their little confrontation.

"Great!" Whispered Vince happily, an inappropriate smile playing on his lips.

Howard's eyes widened in surprise at his lover, "It's not funny Vince. Instead of being stabbed to death, it looks like we're gonna be beaten to death by frying pans instead. Whoopee!" Burbled Howard in sarcastic horror.

Indeed that assessment looked right. The same group of Lazarou's kidnapping-wifey minions had encircled them, frying pans randomly held above there heads, ready to strike (don't ask me where those impromptu weapons came from!).

"Goodbye Daves!" Laughed an unseen Lazarou from the sidelines.

"Goodbye Lazarou!" Vince replied cheerfully before shouting, "Get Lazarou, and its free makeovers for all!"

The surreal scene was insane, even to the well-accustomed eyes of the Boosh boys, as a crowd of screeching women leapt on a shrieking Lazarou like a pack of demented pigeons!

"What the..?!" Howard's eyes widened in disbelief as Vince laughed in triumph.

"YEAH! That'll teach you!" Laughed Vince as a hapless Lazarou was taken down!

"Vince!" cried Howard in surprise and disbelief, "that was actually **clever **of you!"

"Don't sound so surprised! It has been known to happen!" Giggled Vince, turning back to the now fully engulfed Lazarou to cry, **"Don't ever mess with Vince Noir, rock n' roll star-mmmph**!"

Vince's triumphant jeer was cut off by a pair of lips pressing against his passionately!

"Vince...you're totally nuts and far too obsessed with looks. But right now, I couldn't possibly love you more!" Said Howard, laughing at Vince's flustered expression.

"Well duh! You also forgot to add, I'm a genius too!" grinned Vince, recovering. He pointed a thumb in the direction of the insane scene behind them to prove his genius.

Howard merely laughed in response, happy to be alive.

They put their arms around each other and walked towards the exit, wincing with every_ gong _of a frying pan against a head they overheard.

"Get of me you devil women! OW! Son of a-EEEK!"

And the boys didn't feel sorry for him at all.

* * *

They forgot one thing though, didn't they though? 

The Hitcher.

"IT'S YOU!" Screamed the evil, green cockney, pointing at a very surprised Vince.

Oh, yes. The bitch was back!

"Hey it's you! How've you been-Ah!"

"RUN!" Howard interupted an oblivious Vince as he remembered his little speech concerning them earlier on.

He didn't even think about it, settling for pulling Vince along by the wrist as they ran for their lives towards the exit of the carnival. All of his fighting spirit had long since evaporated. He was running on pure fear. Fear and the total desperation to keep Vince safe.

"Howard! I-can't-breathe!" Cried Vince as they dodged between the masses of people, hoping to throw The Hitcher of their track.

Howard, who was no fitness freak himself could only gasp in reply, "Wanna-keep-breathing?! Keep-running!"

Enough said!

"I still see ya, you slags! You're both the shopkeepers aint ya?! I hate being lied to, drag queen! It's well indecent!" They could hear the green lunatic bellowing like a bull behind them.

"Shit!" Gasped Vince, struggling to run in his high heels, "He sounds mad!"

"YES!" Howard cried, not in agreement, but because he had successfully located the exit. He had no practical plan other than get onto the street and hide in some dark alley. That would have to do for now.

They didn't even get to the alley.

"Hello sonnies."

"AAAH!"

"Missed me, squires?!"

Every way they turned, the Hitcher unnaturally appeared in front of them, dead casually.

"Damn. I forgot you could do that. That's cheating!" Cried Howard, clutching at Vince as they shivered on the pavement.

The Hitcher stood menacingly in front of them.

"Yeeeeaaah. You thought I forgot you, dint ya, you slags?!"

"Well no, coz you reminded me outside of the tent."

"Shut up Howard!" Cried Vince, sensing intimidation was not going to appeal to the Hitcher's merciful side (if he even had one that is). But Howard's motor mouth was running on frazzled nerves.

"Don't kill us, we've got so much to give!" Pleaded Howard. Vince was briefly honoured that Howard had altered his catchphrase to include him!

Must be love...

Before the fear kicked in again.

"I'm gonna stab you bitches up. Yeah that's right, I'm gonna slash you up, good and propah!" He stepped towards our helpless heroes. "You made me into a soft tart, now you're gonna pay!"

He took a terrifyingly slow step forwards.

"AAAAAAAH!"

VROOOOOOOOOM!

BANG!

SMASH!

"AAAAH!"

No, this hasn't turned into a weird episode of Batman! With no warning at all, a booshy patterned van came out of nowhere and slammed into the Hitcher at top speed, sending him flying into the pavement!

Guess who was driving?

"You guys okay?" The lisping tones of the magnificent Naboo enquired frantically as he stepped out from the driver's side of the van.

"That was brilliant!" Laughed Vince, "You're a public menace Naboo, but you saved our lives!"

"I did?!" Cried Naboo, relief washing across his face, "Thank god! I thought I just mowed down an innocent old man!"

While this piece of information was slightly worrying, all Howard and Vince could feel was pure, insane relief!

"Yeah well done Naboo." Smiled Howard, "For murdering the right person anyway, I guess..."

"Hey, where'd he go?" Asked Bollo, appearing from the passenger side.

All that was left of the polo nightmare was a pile of eccentric clothes.

"How **does** he do that?!" Cried Howard in alarm.

"Who cares? He's gone now innee?" Smiled Vince. It was a heartbreakingly warm and hopeful grin.

"Sure is." Replied Howard. A little white lie really was worth. Just it so he could cherish that beautiful smile for a while longer.

He grinned himself, as Vince hugged him in relief and naughtily whispered, "Let's go home and enjoy what's left of our anniversary, yeah Howard? I've been wanting to do that for some time now..."

Bollo and Naboo gagged in the background, trying extremely hard not to anything else!

"Bollo going to lose his lunch now…"

Howard tried not to blush as he pulled away from Vince, quicker than you can say "Papa Lazarou"!

"I think **I'll **drive!"

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed!**

**One more to go, me thinks...**

**:-) **


	9. Chapter 9

**Final chapter to wrap things up.**

**Thank you so much for reading or reviewing. You really don't know how much I appreciate it xxx**

**I'm so glad people enjoyed the previous chapter and found it funny. To tell the truth, I was having a bit of trouble getting ideas from my head onto the computer if you know what I mean! Still, I guess its best to have writers block right at the end.**

**Disclaimer: The Mighty Boosh belongs to the wonderful duo, Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt.**

* * *

"Soooo...Mr Noir. What did she say?" Asked Howard, using what he hoped was a charming amount of politeness. 

Vince's eyes lit up mischievously, "Oh you know, nothing special..."

"Then if it's so unimportant, you might as well tell me..." Wheedled Howard.

"Nuh-uh. Nice try!"

"Vince! Tell me!" Moaned Howard, giving up the whole I'm-a-nice-guy-who-doesn't-really-care approach.

After recovering from the nights traumatic (and frankly, disturbing!) events on the journey home, Howard had suddenly remembered the Lazarou wife who had grabbed Vince's arm so mysteriously. The one who had whispered something to him during their daring escape mission.

The same unknown something that was currently driving him crazy!

"Nosey boy!" Laughed Vince, "You can't stand not knowing something can ya? Look at ya, eyes all shifty! Can't even think straight can you?"

"Well...no. Hey! That technically isn't true!" Stammered Howard, feeling exasperated. Until a good idea popped into his head. "The only reason I can't think straight Vince, is because I'm so in love with you." He said sweetly, widening his brown puppy-dog eyes innocently at his boyfriend.

A line like that would normally have floored Vince. His heartbeat did speed up considerably as he almost completely melted.

"Aww Howard!" He sighed as a tease, before wickedly adding, "Nice try!"

"Argh!" Howard threw a fluffy pillow at Vince in frustration who merely laughed back.

"And don't widen your eyes at me Mister!" Scolded Vince, "Reality check! I'm the one with the big eyes here - not you!"

Howard sighed deeply. The first thing he had done once he'd gotten home earlier was shower (much to Vince's chagrin, not wasn't kissing him). The need to scrub off all that makeup and change into some old, comfortable flannel pyjamas was greater than the desire to literally jump on Vince (in relief that he was okay). Maybe that was why Vince was acting out so much. He was like a puppy himself, craving attention but cute enough to always get it right away. And if he didn't, he'd become a holy terror.

Or a teasing minx!

Thought Howard. 

Howard attempted another route, "My my. What a beautiful, diamond pendant you have on. I honestly do believe it makes you look like an angel. In a handsome way of course..."

Vince fingered Lazarou's stolen necklace happily (yes he'd swiped it. Or, as he liked to think of it -been compensated with it!), "Really? Aw Howard, that's sooo...see-through of you!" Giggled Vince at his irritated expression, "You're like a big,clear,jellyfish man! Flattery won't get you the answer!"

Howard suddenly started laughing too. Not that he'd admit that to Vince, of course, as he stifled it behind his hand. He suddenly had been overcome with a feeling of relief at hearing Vince giggle so happily. That everything had turned out so well. Such a rarity.

"I'm **so** glad you're alright," Whispered Howard earnestly. He brushed a piece of Vince's hair behind his ear ever so lightly (another rarity that Vince had even let him - _boyfriend's rights - yes_!). Vince revelled at the touch.

Suddenly he grabbed his boyfriend's hands and pulled him closer, so they were sat on the edge of his red, glittery-sheeted bed. He'd become tired of playing. What the woman had told him played on his mind too. "Look Howard, if you must know she said..." he relented finally.

"Yes?" Howard prompted.

"She said she knew you were the boyfriend I'd been going on about so much. Said she could just tell because you're clearly my..."

"I'm clearly your what Vince?" Howard was much softer this time, noticing Vince had gone Ruby-red, avoiding eye contact. He very gently cupped Vince's chin between his thumb and index finger, lifting until he cold see those beautiful blue eyes once more.

"That you're my soul mate." Vince said in a rush before he started to babble, "Which you know at the time, I was all sarcastic and going 'Oh that's real nice!' seeing as you were dressed as a woman and all. She must have thought I had mental problems or a kinky fetish for cross dressers or summit... Anyway, the truth is I really think she could be right and I know you don't believe in that kind of thing and are probably going to laugh at-"

For the second time that day, Vince Noir was interrupted by the most gentle, loving kiss he had ever experienced. Hands, as light as feathers ran through his hair softly. The kiss intensified until Howard broke away suddenly, leaving him gasping for air, bewildered.

"Does it look like I'm laughing?" Howard asked huskily. He could see how much this confession had meant to Vince, and he adored him even more for it. Then, as Howard isn't the most comfortable person when in awkward situations, he added jokily, "And if that's your own 'special' way of saying 'I love you Howard', then thank you."

Vince looked crestfallen, so he quickly added, "Oh, and you know I love you too, so don't give me that wounded look little man!"

The mega-watt, beacon smile returned on Vince's face, "And you think we're soul mates too?" He asked hopefully.

"Of course." Howard replied instantly, "There's no way you could drive me this crazy if you weren't!"

"Oi!" Giggled Vince. And with that, he flung his arms happily around Howard, shifting until he was sat on his lap, fully intending to enjoy their anniversary to the max!

He kissed Howard sweetly, wriggling his hips suggestively (more like a cat this time!) and purring contently when Howard sucked at his lower lip a little. Still something was bothering him.

"Howard?"

"Yes...?" Mumbled Howard distractedly, as he trailed warm kisses down his neck.

"I'm sorry for saying this anniversary wasn't worth celebrating," He managed to gasp out. Howard may have been inexperienced before their relationship, but he sure was a fast learner. He was being very distracting. "Howard!" He giggled, pulling away a little, "I mean it. You and me. We'll always be a reason worth celebrating."

Howard was suddenly very moved at the admission, "Oh Vince..."

"Even when you play your manky old jazz records or are dressed as a lady of the night! Or when you-"

"Vince! Shut up!" Laughed Howard fondly.

"Think you better make me..." Smiled Vince suggestively.

And so he did!

* * *

**The end :-)**

**Okay, okay I know that was lame... so fluffy, you'll be vomiting kittens. Sue me!**

**Thanks for reading xxx**

(Legal note: do not sue this young writer. She has no money at all!)

**Dayam! One day I'll have the courage to write something more Howince-y! **


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